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From The Desk Of The Headmistress

Wellington Wells Sorcerous Recruitment,

Crumble St,

Edinburgh

Dear Sir,

I am writing with respect to the selection of Professors you have been sending us over the last seven years, with the specific requirement of teaching students to protect themselves against evil magic. Having reviewed the situation, we have found them sadly wanting.

The first candidate, send to us in 1991, spent much of the year attempting to murder one of our most promising first year students. It later appeared that not only was he thoroughly evil himself, he was actually possessed by **** *********.  This should have been readily apparent due to the large evil-smelling lump on his head, inadequately concealed by a strip of cloth. Perhaps we should have been more careful, but in the letter you sent us you assured us that “his mild manner conceals a steely determination”. If you had informed us that this determination included the total victory of dark forces we might have reconsidered our decision to employ him.

The second candidate, according to your description, was “an outstanding enemy to evil in all its forms, famous throughout Europe.” In retrospect, we should probably be grateful that while the man was a complete fraud, with no applicable knowledge whatsoever, at least he is the only person you have sent us who never attempted to harm staff or pupils. Why he decided to make his total ignorance apparent to the entire school, I have no idea. Again, perhaps more vigilance would have been appropriate.

The third candidate in contrast, had an excellent knowledge of evil magic, and is still regarded as the best teacher you have sent  us. Had he not transformed later in the year into an uncontrollable beast form, and attempted to kill several students, we might have retained him. Your letter assured us that “his bark is worse than his bite. Not a month will go by without him demonstrating his special qualities.”

The fourth candidate showed an equal in-depth knowledge of the most evil and dangerous magic. We were saddened to find that this was due to him being another evil wizard, who did, in fact, murder a student. Your letter stated “If you keep an eye on him, you might be surprised.” We were indeed.

The fifth candidate did not, as far as we can tell, plan to murder any of the students. She did, however, have no interest in teaching any useful information, and showed a regrettable inclination to torture.

We then decided to recruit in-house for the position. I asked for you to cast an eye over the list of candidates. The person you selected then murdered and replaced the headmaster. On the other hand, I have to say that in general, his work was excellent.

I was not involved in the selection of his replacement in the position, but on perusing your letter I have to credit you with honestly stating that “his psychopathic and sadistic tendencies tend to obscure the depth of his devotion to discipline and cruelty.”

Of all the various candidates you have sent us, one is insane, two are in prison and the rest are dead. This is a very poor record for a firm that proclaims “total satisfaction or a complete refund.” Needless to say no such refund has been received.

I am hereby giving warning that if there is no improvement in the standard of candidates over the next three or four years, we will have to give serious consideration to making use of one of the many excellent English magical recruitment agencies, though I would be personally sorry to do so.

Yours etc,

MM (headmistress)

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